So, your heart is broken in a million little pieces, and you have such a ginormous pit in your stomach that the thought of food, even a double chocolate brownie with sprinkles and fudge topping, makes you want to throw up in whatever trash can/sink/purse/shoe are nearest! Well, first, know that you are not alone. Heartbreak and break ups are inevitable and kind of a necessary part of growing up, and of life. They teach us a lot of different things that we wouldn’t voluntarily choose to learn, like how to breathe alone, how to cry without dying, and how to take criticism that could have come from the other person in the relationship, true or not true. So before we go any further, just know that I was, and still am, going through what you are going through right now, and the most annoying thing is when people tell you cliché little sayings like “Everything happens for a reason,” and “If it’s meant to be, it will be.” Buuuuuuut…as teeth clenching as those little bumper sticker sayings may be, I am here to tell you, they’re 100% true! And, for those of you who know me personally, this blog is not based only on my breakup, but has some helpful hints from other breakups that I have helped friends and family through, but did not apply to my situation.
Like I said, I am walking the same frightening journey that you are, having gone through a break up from a relationship that I was in for nearly four years in March 2014. The wounds are still very fresh and very raw…trust me, but there comes a time, if it hasn’t come for you already, where you simply don’t want to be sad anymore. You don’t want one more tear to be wasted on that person/relationship. And you don’t want to hide from the world anymore. What then? What comes next? Well, my beautiful, newly single girl, you stand up, dust your adorable skinny jeans off, step into some Louboutins (Or cheap knock offs if you happen to be a poor college girl like myself!), and slap on your bright red Dior Rouge Dior lipstick…and get OUT of the house and onto the town. Here is how you get from crying in the corner singing loudly to music from The Script and Cassadee Pope, to being a confident sensation. Disclaimer: It takes time. It won’t happen overnight, and it will be one of the hardest things that you will ever do…especially if it is your first real breakup like it was mine! So anywho…
1) Get rid of all of the visual and auditory memories.
I know. Before you breathe in deep and your eyes well up with tears, you don’t have to do this the day after you split. It took me TWO months to get to the point where I could walk into my house and be sane without his pictures on my wall. But, once they were all down, I slowly started to feel better. Well…let me slightly rephrase that…once I tore them off the wall and viscously quarterback tossed them at my tile floor and watched the frames shatter along with all the memories that went with them, THAT is when I started to feel better! It happens. You aren’t crazy! Just some tips as far as picture smashing goes…only throw at the floor…not the wall…and make sure that when you are cleaning up that you get ALL of the glass! Oh, and listening to sad, breakup music songs really helps set the atmosphere for picture smashing. Next, clear off that cell phone! Change his name to something like, “The Ex”, “Heartbreaker”, or “Don’t Answer”. Or, if you are really strong, delete his number completely…even though I am sure you know it by heart. (It is the point of it, I suppose!) Then, move onto the pictures. DELETE them. Don’t be like me, and transfer them to your computer…and a flashdrive…and a CD. Delete them. Period. There is no reason why you need them because even if you are 1 in 1,000 who get back together and make it, you can make new memories…not dwell on the old ones. Oh, and that ringtone that you bought on iTunes specifically for when HE calls. He is now ringing, if he even calls again, to your default ringer. Take that, Mr. Ex! For me, the hardest part was deleting the videos. The goofy little 10 second memories that I rewatched so many times so that I didn’t forget his voice...for lack of a better word, that sucked! So, lovely lady, delete them. That is not the person you were in love with. He is now a person in your past that helped shape your future.
2) Stop stalking/spying on him. You aren’t James Bond and it is only hurting you.
Everyone does it. You aren’t crazy, but it will indeed drive YOU crazy. Watching their Facebooks, Instagrams, and Twitters, driving around the long way home because they may possibly be outside, or changing your route to work or school because you could possibly drive past him and for that split second, you may cross his mind. Let me give you a little bit of advice…YOU may think you’re sneaky, but in all reality, you aren’t. We are pained women who were done wrong by our man, and it’s obvious, which gives them a HUGE ego trip when we get caught. Honestly, what do we get out of stalking or spying on our ex-lovers? Usually we see and hear things that end up hurting us instead of helping us, and even if we happen to see them tonsil tickling with another girl (Which we typically have choice names for this particular female…), what are YOU going to do about it? Nothing, because he is a single man. He can legally, in your “relationship”, do whatever he pleases, including locking lips with the cute little blonde that lives around the corner, and there is nothing you can do about it. So stop. Force yourself to turn off those urges and emotions and drive home the shortest route, block him on social media, and don’t casually drive past his house. It is only going to hurt you.
3) Limit your communication with him, because most likely, he doesn’t want to talk to you.
If he broke up with you, he most likely doesn’t want to talk you. So, stop talking to him. If you are anything like I was before realizing that he didn’t want to hear from me, you have this fantasy in your head that there is something that you are going to text or leave on a voicemail that is going to sink in and make him change his mind about you…but it won’t. Most of the time, it just supports the reasons why they broke up with you in the first place. This was the number one hardest thing to do was limit communication to only one or two text messages a week with the idea of trying to get to zero text messages a week. It takes everything out of you, especially if you were in a long term relationship and your lives were intertwined in several different ways. That may mean that you have an actual need to contact this person. When you do, keep it short and simple. And for goodness sakes, be nice. There is no reason to be mean because what is done is done. You will look ten times more attractive if you are cool, calm, and collected.
4) Surround yourself with people who love you and want to support you through this sucky time.
In my relationship, he was my best friend. I went to him with and for everything, so when he was gone and I was following step #3, I felt so alone and so lost. Sometimes that led to some pretty nasty crying sessions in my bathroom, or some really intense workout sessions at the gym. Then, I found my friends. I started spending time with both my girl and guy friends at night after work. At first, I wanted to be by myself and to not be around anyone else, but I soon realized that was a recipe for disaster…and shameless junk food binges. I met an amazing group of friends from a lot of different places and forced myself to do every activity that they were doing. I ended up finding a new hobby, rock climbing, and made six amazing friends that I will have for life. Without them, I wouldn’t have gotten through anything to do with this situation. There is hope. I promise. And you will get through this. It takes time, and if you are like me, you aren’t patient. But, this is going to be a learning experience, and maybe patience is your lesson.
5) There is love after loss. Even if those sad country songs say otherwise.
All of those country songs that we shamelessly listen to tell us that after someone we love leaves us, there are only blue, sad days of longing for them ahead. As much as those songs tend to allow us to dwell in the needed self pity, it isn’t true. Yes, there will be days when all you do is think about him. Those are the days that you tend to text message, call, and spy on him! BUT, behold…those tough days will become less and less frequent until you have one once a week, once a month, and then only on their birthdays or your anniversary. Talk to other people. Let nice guys take you on dates and treat you like the princess that you are. It’s okay to have feelings for someone else if you allow it. So go out and own it! There is love after loss, and it most likely is better than the one you had before because you learned what you want and don’t want from that relationship.
YOU WILL MAKE IT! You will get through this. You are a strong, beautiful, and confident woman. Here are the last of your self-pity songs and quotes...and after that...there are your single lady OWN IT song and quote list! Enjoy, and put your ice cream down!
Like I said, I am walking the same frightening journey that you are, having gone through a break up from a relationship that I was in for nearly four years in March 2014. The wounds are still very fresh and very raw…trust me, but there comes a time, if it hasn’t come for you already, where you simply don’t want to be sad anymore. You don’t want one more tear to be wasted on that person/relationship. And you don’t want to hide from the world anymore. What then? What comes next? Well, my beautiful, newly single girl, you stand up, dust your adorable skinny jeans off, step into some Louboutins (Or cheap knock offs if you happen to be a poor college girl like myself!), and slap on your bright red Dior Rouge Dior lipstick…and get OUT of the house and onto the town. Here is how you get from crying in the corner singing loudly to music from The Script and Cassadee Pope, to being a confident sensation. Disclaimer: It takes time. It won’t happen overnight, and it will be one of the hardest things that you will ever do…especially if it is your first real breakup like it was mine! So anywho…
1) Get rid of all of the visual and auditory memories.
I know. Before you breathe in deep and your eyes well up with tears, you don’t have to do this the day after you split. It took me TWO months to get to the point where I could walk into my house and be sane without his pictures on my wall. But, once they were all down, I slowly started to feel better. Well…let me slightly rephrase that…once I tore them off the wall and viscously quarterback tossed them at my tile floor and watched the frames shatter along with all the memories that went with them, THAT is when I started to feel better! It happens. You aren’t crazy! Just some tips as far as picture smashing goes…only throw at the floor…not the wall…and make sure that when you are cleaning up that you get ALL of the glass! Oh, and listening to sad, breakup music songs really helps set the atmosphere for picture smashing. Next, clear off that cell phone! Change his name to something like, “The Ex”, “Heartbreaker”, or “Don’t Answer”. Or, if you are really strong, delete his number completely…even though I am sure you know it by heart. (It is the point of it, I suppose!) Then, move onto the pictures. DELETE them. Don’t be like me, and transfer them to your computer…and a flashdrive…and a CD. Delete them. Period. There is no reason why you need them because even if you are 1 in 1,000 who get back together and make it, you can make new memories…not dwell on the old ones. Oh, and that ringtone that you bought on iTunes specifically for when HE calls. He is now ringing, if he even calls again, to your default ringer. Take that, Mr. Ex! For me, the hardest part was deleting the videos. The goofy little 10 second memories that I rewatched so many times so that I didn’t forget his voice...for lack of a better word, that sucked! So, lovely lady, delete them. That is not the person you were in love with. He is now a person in your past that helped shape your future.
2) Stop stalking/spying on him. You aren’t James Bond and it is only hurting you.
Everyone does it. You aren’t crazy, but it will indeed drive YOU crazy. Watching their Facebooks, Instagrams, and Twitters, driving around the long way home because they may possibly be outside, or changing your route to work or school because you could possibly drive past him and for that split second, you may cross his mind. Let me give you a little bit of advice…YOU may think you’re sneaky, but in all reality, you aren’t. We are pained women who were done wrong by our man, and it’s obvious, which gives them a HUGE ego trip when we get caught. Honestly, what do we get out of stalking or spying on our ex-lovers? Usually we see and hear things that end up hurting us instead of helping us, and even if we happen to see them tonsil tickling with another girl (Which we typically have choice names for this particular female…), what are YOU going to do about it? Nothing, because he is a single man. He can legally, in your “relationship”, do whatever he pleases, including locking lips with the cute little blonde that lives around the corner, and there is nothing you can do about it. So stop. Force yourself to turn off those urges and emotions and drive home the shortest route, block him on social media, and don’t casually drive past his house. It is only going to hurt you.
3) Limit your communication with him, because most likely, he doesn’t want to talk to you.
If he broke up with you, he most likely doesn’t want to talk you. So, stop talking to him. If you are anything like I was before realizing that he didn’t want to hear from me, you have this fantasy in your head that there is something that you are going to text or leave on a voicemail that is going to sink in and make him change his mind about you…but it won’t. Most of the time, it just supports the reasons why they broke up with you in the first place. This was the number one hardest thing to do was limit communication to only one or two text messages a week with the idea of trying to get to zero text messages a week. It takes everything out of you, especially if you were in a long term relationship and your lives were intertwined in several different ways. That may mean that you have an actual need to contact this person. When you do, keep it short and simple. And for goodness sakes, be nice. There is no reason to be mean because what is done is done. You will look ten times more attractive if you are cool, calm, and collected.
4) Surround yourself with people who love you and want to support you through this sucky time.
In my relationship, he was my best friend. I went to him with and for everything, so when he was gone and I was following step #3, I felt so alone and so lost. Sometimes that led to some pretty nasty crying sessions in my bathroom, or some really intense workout sessions at the gym. Then, I found my friends. I started spending time with both my girl and guy friends at night after work. At first, I wanted to be by myself and to not be around anyone else, but I soon realized that was a recipe for disaster…and shameless junk food binges. I met an amazing group of friends from a lot of different places and forced myself to do every activity that they were doing. I ended up finding a new hobby, rock climbing, and made six amazing friends that I will have for life. Without them, I wouldn’t have gotten through anything to do with this situation. There is hope. I promise. And you will get through this. It takes time, and if you are like me, you aren’t patient. But, this is going to be a learning experience, and maybe patience is your lesson.
5) There is love after loss. Even if those sad country songs say otherwise.
All of those country songs that we shamelessly listen to tell us that after someone we love leaves us, there are only blue, sad days of longing for them ahead. As much as those songs tend to allow us to dwell in the needed self pity, it isn’t true. Yes, there will be days when all you do is think about him. Those are the days that you tend to text message, call, and spy on him! BUT, behold…those tough days will become less and less frequent until you have one once a week, once a month, and then only on their birthdays or your anniversary. Talk to other people. Let nice guys take you on dates and treat you like the princess that you are. It’s okay to have feelings for someone else if you allow it. So go out and own it! There is love after loss, and it most likely is better than the one you had before because you learned what you want and don’t want from that relationship.
YOU WILL MAKE IT! You will get through this. You are a strong, beautiful, and confident woman. Here are the last of your self-pity songs and quotes...and after that...there are your single lady OWN IT song and quote list! Enjoy, and put your ice cream down!