So you’ve got your own personal “bachelorette pad”, huh? Maybe, like me, you are new to the living alone thing, and maybe you aren’t a fan of it yet, but as time goes on, I promise you will learn to love it and you will come out feeling like an empowered woman.
There are some things in my life that I just didn’t do because a man in my life did them for me. Whether that was a guy friend, my father, men in my family, or my ex-boyfriend, there were some things that were just a “man’s job”. Things like changing my oil in my car, getting my tires rotated, patching a hole in a wall, hanging shelves, building a bookshelf, hanging a TV on the wall, or killing the evil spider on the wall, were all things that I never had to do for myself because the man in my life did them for me, right or wrong. Soooo…when I moved into my own apartment and didn’t have a man at my beckoned call, I had a whole list of life experience to…well…experience…and FAST!
Night one. 3:00 AM. No lights installed in my apartment bedroom yet, just one small window with crinkled blinds, allowing the light to shine in from the street lights just enough to see the massive spider quickly approaching the ceiling above my bed. The only thing close to me was a bottle of Suave hairspray. (Ladies, don’t use Suave because it will make your hair dry. Keep it around to kill the spiders instead!) I grabbed my phone, flipped on my handy dandy flashlight, aimed, and fired. To my surprise, when you drown a bug hanging delicately from the ceiling with hairspray, they fall, and if you are standing directly underneath them, that means they fall on you! Big nasty spider, with now perfectly groomed hair, lands somewhere on my body. Long story short, one sprained ankle, empty hairspray bottle, and sleepless night on the couch later, I realized that living alone would be my new Joker, while Google and my mom would be my Robin.
Here are some things that I would like to share with you that I learned in the first three months of living alone!
1. Dishes don’t wash themselves, and that stench that you smell…Yes, that is the glass of milk you failed to wash out and put in the dishwasher last Tuesday.
2. Just because you put your laundry in the washing machine does not mean that it magically walks itself into the dryer. You actually have to “switch the load”!
3. Just because your dad works for APS does not mean that you own the electric company, and just because you enjoy your apartment at 68 degrees does not mean that you will enjoy the bill just as much at the end of the month.
4. You mean I can’t be ten days late on my rent and still have a place to live? Says who? Oh…the owner of the apartment complex…touché kind sir…touché…
5. Oh my goodness…what is that God awful noise? Oh dear…those are my neighbors being…expressive? Must invest in ear plugs ASAP.
6. YAY! New drill! Let’s put holes in the walls because Mom never let me! **DRILLING** Oh crap…to high. **DRILLING** Uhh…how come it didn’t go where the mark was…drill must be broken. (Five holes later…) Darn…that’s why Mom said no…
7. **Sniff sniff** Do you smell smoke? AHHHHH! Lightbulb on fire! Lightbulb on fire! What do I do?! Friend: Take it out and throw it in the sink! Ouch, ouch, ouch! (Lightbulb sizzles, smoke rises, smoke detectors go crazy!) Sigh…
8. When milk is four days past the expiration date, no, you cannot just “make it work”…so don’t try to…you will end up sick! Spend $2.50 and get a new gallon.
9. Letter comes in the mail…”Your assigned parking space is #129 located North of your apartment.” YES! No more fighting for my place at this apartment. (Two days later…) Someone parked a nonworking car in MY ASSIGNED SPOT…and to this day has never moved it…lesson: some people are just heartless. Period.
10. People pee in apartment complex pools no matter how clean and chlorinated they are. Nuff’ said.
11. Deciding to burn bits and pieces of your past on the patio is probably not a good idea when there is a smoke sprinkler 3 feet above the growing flames. And put it out COMPLETELY before you throw it in the dumpster…
12. Just because you have a two bedroom apartment does not give you license to throw all clean laundry onto the floor in a heaping pile the same height as you, and label it the closet room…it just doesn’t.
13. When breaking picture frames, do NOT throw them like Babe Ruth at the wall…it leaves holes…and scares the old lady next door!
14. Oh your baby is so adorable newly wedded neighbors next door. 3 AM and a screaming baby whose room conveniently backs up to mine: Your child is the spawn of Satan…
15. IKEA. Not as easy as it looks…but lop sided bookshelves are attractive, right?
16. **CRASH** I should get out of bed and go find out if there is a burguler trying to kidnap me…I’m too scared…maybe if I just lay here they will go away…”I have a baseball bat and I am not afraid to Louisville Slugger you into next week!” (Two hours later) “Maybe I should go check…”
17. “Mom? How do I get Starbuck’s Venti Unsweetened Passion Tea Lemonade out of my carpet” … “OMG, yes it is soooooooo yummy…OKAY! I am focusing…I’m focusing…geesh…”
18. Just because you don’t feel like putting the clean dishes in the dishwasher away doesn’t mean that it is socially acceptable to add the dirty ones in and just wash them all again! Double tap…take that dirty dishes!
19. 2 AM is not a proper bedtime, and just because no one is telling you to go to sleep does not mean that you shouldn’t! And no…that person that you are asking “Are you awake?” is NOT awake. Go to sleep, fool.
20. Did I lock my door? Hmm…I think I did, but I was still half asleep when I left…I need to teach my puppy to lock the door…no, Preslee, that’s dumb…Mom? Can you go check and see if I locked my door?
So, my lovely ladies, living alone can be one of the most refreshing things that you can do, or it can be one of the biggest pains in the butt! But, as you can see, the mistakes that I have made have made this transition in my life one of the greatest and most memorable. The walls of this apartment have seen laughs and tears, but at the end of the day, I wouldn’t trade my stinky trash, empty fridge, or stained carpet for mansion…that is for a later life chapter in my story!
There are some things in my life that I just didn’t do because a man in my life did them for me. Whether that was a guy friend, my father, men in my family, or my ex-boyfriend, there were some things that were just a “man’s job”. Things like changing my oil in my car, getting my tires rotated, patching a hole in a wall, hanging shelves, building a bookshelf, hanging a TV on the wall, or killing the evil spider on the wall, were all things that I never had to do for myself because the man in my life did them for me, right or wrong. Soooo…when I moved into my own apartment and didn’t have a man at my beckoned call, I had a whole list of life experience to…well…experience…and FAST!
Night one. 3:00 AM. No lights installed in my apartment bedroom yet, just one small window with crinkled blinds, allowing the light to shine in from the street lights just enough to see the massive spider quickly approaching the ceiling above my bed. The only thing close to me was a bottle of Suave hairspray. (Ladies, don’t use Suave because it will make your hair dry. Keep it around to kill the spiders instead!) I grabbed my phone, flipped on my handy dandy flashlight, aimed, and fired. To my surprise, when you drown a bug hanging delicately from the ceiling with hairspray, they fall, and if you are standing directly underneath them, that means they fall on you! Big nasty spider, with now perfectly groomed hair, lands somewhere on my body. Long story short, one sprained ankle, empty hairspray bottle, and sleepless night on the couch later, I realized that living alone would be my new Joker, while Google and my mom would be my Robin.
Here are some things that I would like to share with you that I learned in the first three months of living alone!
1. Dishes don’t wash themselves, and that stench that you smell…Yes, that is the glass of milk you failed to wash out and put in the dishwasher last Tuesday.
2. Just because you put your laundry in the washing machine does not mean that it magically walks itself into the dryer. You actually have to “switch the load”!
3. Just because your dad works for APS does not mean that you own the electric company, and just because you enjoy your apartment at 68 degrees does not mean that you will enjoy the bill just as much at the end of the month.
4. You mean I can’t be ten days late on my rent and still have a place to live? Says who? Oh…the owner of the apartment complex…touché kind sir…touché…
5. Oh my goodness…what is that God awful noise? Oh dear…those are my neighbors being…expressive? Must invest in ear plugs ASAP.
6. YAY! New drill! Let’s put holes in the walls because Mom never let me! **DRILLING** Oh crap…to high. **DRILLING** Uhh…how come it didn’t go where the mark was…drill must be broken. (Five holes later…) Darn…that’s why Mom said no…
7. **Sniff sniff** Do you smell smoke? AHHHHH! Lightbulb on fire! Lightbulb on fire! What do I do?! Friend: Take it out and throw it in the sink! Ouch, ouch, ouch! (Lightbulb sizzles, smoke rises, smoke detectors go crazy!) Sigh…
8. When milk is four days past the expiration date, no, you cannot just “make it work”…so don’t try to…you will end up sick! Spend $2.50 and get a new gallon.
9. Letter comes in the mail…”Your assigned parking space is #129 located North of your apartment.” YES! No more fighting for my place at this apartment. (Two days later…) Someone parked a nonworking car in MY ASSIGNED SPOT…and to this day has never moved it…lesson: some people are just heartless. Period.
10. People pee in apartment complex pools no matter how clean and chlorinated they are. Nuff’ said.
11. Deciding to burn bits and pieces of your past on the patio is probably not a good idea when there is a smoke sprinkler 3 feet above the growing flames. And put it out COMPLETELY before you throw it in the dumpster…
12. Just because you have a two bedroom apartment does not give you license to throw all clean laundry onto the floor in a heaping pile the same height as you, and label it the closet room…it just doesn’t.
13. When breaking picture frames, do NOT throw them like Babe Ruth at the wall…it leaves holes…and scares the old lady next door!
14. Oh your baby is so adorable newly wedded neighbors next door. 3 AM and a screaming baby whose room conveniently backs up to mine: Your child is the spawn of Satan…
15. IKEA. Not as easy as it looks…but lop sided bookshelves are attractive, right?
16. **CRASH** I should get out of bed and go find out if there is a burguler trying to kidnap me…I’m too scared…maybe if I just lay here they will go away…”I have a baseball bat and I am not afraid to Louisville Slugger you into next week!” (Two hours later) “Maybe I should go check…”
17. “Mom? How do I get Starbuck’s Venti Unsweetened Passion Tea Lemonade out of my carpet” … “OMG, yes it is soooooooo yummy…OKAY! I am focusing…I’m focusing…geesh…”
18. Just because you don’t feel like putting the clean dishes in the dishwasher away doesn’t mean that it is socially acceptable to add the dirty ones in and just wash them all again! Double tap…take that dirty dishes!
19. 2 AM is not a proper bedtime, and just because no one is telling you to go to sleep does not mean that you shouldn’t! And no…that person that you are asking “Are you awake?” is NOT awake. Go to sleep, fool.
20. Did I lock my door? Hmm…I think I did, but I was still half asleep when I left…I need to teach my puppy to lock the door…no, Preslee, that’s dumb…Mom? Can you go check and see if I locked my door?
So, my lovely ladies, living alone can be one of the most refreshing things that you can do, or it can be one of the biggest pains in the butt! But, as you can see, the mistakes that I have made have made this transition in my life one of the greatest and most memorable. The walls of this apartment have seen laughs and tears, but at the end of the day, I wouldn’t trade my stinky trash, empty fridge, or stained carpet for mansion…that is for a later life chapter in my story!